The jokes on this page are here purely as a bit of light hearted fun and no offence is intended.
 

Wanda's TV had stopped working so she called an engineer from 'Hylands' 

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the engineer, "I'll leave the key under the mat.  Fix the TV, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll post you a cheque." - "Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog Spike.  He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"  
"I
  REPEAT - DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" 

 When the engineer arrived at Wanda's house the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen.  But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the engineer couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him Spike!"

 

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche

 

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.  She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said,

"You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said.


"Your finger is broken."

 

 



SHOPPING MATHS


A man will pay £20 for a £10 item he needs.

A woman will pay £10 for a £20 item that she doesn't need.
____________________________


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________


HAPPINESS


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________


LONGEVITY


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


______________________________



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

____________________________


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED


Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
 

 

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the Background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
 
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
 
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her !"
 
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"
 
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
 
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.  The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
 
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
 
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same Instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.
Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging.
 
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun was loaded with Blanks!" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

 

After 5 years of heated debate; the Commission on Human Rights has approved the new International Symbol of Marriage:
 

 



 

Three bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
"First body: Frenchman, 80, died of heart failure, had a new young girlfriend. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: local lad, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

 

 

 

 

 

When I was a young man, driving was always VERY frustrating....
I always seemed to be stuck at the back of a long queue of traffic!
However now I'm older its much better ....... because now I'm ALWAYS at the front!

 

 

 A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.' 
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' 
Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.' 
Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?' 
Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'
 
' Bartender 'What about that eye patch?' 
Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.
I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye.'
 
'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird poop.'
Pirate, 'Well it was my first day with the hook.'

 
 

 

 

 

How To Shower Like a Woman   
 
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to Lights and darks.
 
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
 
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
 
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do More sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
 
Get in the shower.
 
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and Pumice stone.
 
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added Vitamins.
 
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
 
Condition your hair with grapefruit and mint enhanced conditioner.
 
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until Red.
 
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
 
Rinse conditioner off hair.
 
Shave armpits and legs.
 
Turn off shower.
 
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
 
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
 
Get out of shower.
 
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
 
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
 
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
 
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
 
 
 
How To Shower Like a Man
 
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
 
Walk naked to the bathroom.
 
If you see wife along the way, shake body at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
 
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
 
Admire your body and scratch your bum.
 
Get in the shower.
 
Wash your face.
 
Wash your armpits.
 
Trump and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
 
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area leaving hairs stuck on the soap.
 
Wash your hair.
 
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
 
Rinse off and get out of shower.
 
Only partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of the bath the whole time.
 
Admire body in mirror again.
 
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on the floor, light on and fan running.
 
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
 
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake body at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
 
Throw wet towel on the bed.
 
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!! 
 

 

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.


"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I didn't!"

 

 

A few thoughts to make you realize that we're not wine when it comes to aging.
 
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

 
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
 
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work.
 
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
 
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
 
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
 
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
 
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
 
Of course I'm against sin. I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
 
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
 
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
 
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
 
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
 
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
 
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
 
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
 
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
 
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas

 

This is an example of an amazing illusion.

If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot, the dots will remain only one colour, pink.

However if you stare at the black " +" in the centre, the moving dot turns to green.

Now, concentrate on the black "
+ " in the centre of the picture.
After a short period, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will only see only a single green dot rotating.



It's amazing how our brain works.
There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear

This should be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see

 

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know Whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired British Airlines Pilot from Stone"
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this Silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the priest's turn. He stands Erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint James in Longton for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the Priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
"Up here - - we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you Preached - -people slept; when he flew - - people prayed."

 

 
 

Husbandís Message (by cellphone):

Honey,  a car hit me outside the office.  Paula brought me to the hospital.

They have been conducting a series of tests including X-rays and scans

The blow to my head was really bad, but fortunately it seems that did not cause any permanent damage.

I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot.


Wifeís Response:


Who is Paula?

 

 

 
 
When your young you sneaking out of home to go to the party at 10.30
When your older you sneaking out of the party to go home at 10.30
 

 

 

Q: What's a mixed feeling?
A:
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q:
What's the definition of macho?
A:
Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q:
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A:
About 45 pounds.

Q:
Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q: How to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Forget it once.

 

A man was walking on the beach when he found a lamp.

After a few quick rubs, a genie pops out and says that he will grant the man one wish.

The man thinks for a moment, then replies "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm terrified of flying, and I get violently seasick if I even think about getting on a boat, so I want a bridge built that will let me drive my car to the islands.

The genie's eyes widen in amazement. "But, jeeeez! Do you have any clue how hard that would be? Why, the water's miles deep out there! Imagine the size I'd have to make the pilings! Not to mention all the typhoons that rip through the Pacific. Nope, can't do it. Sorry, but you'll have to pick something else."

So the man shrugs and says, "Well, OK. How about this? I've been married four times, and divorced four times. I just can't figure women out. I want to be able to understand women. What makes 'em tick, what makes 'em happy, what they fear."

The genie nods and thinks for a moment before he responds: "So, should that bridge have two or four lanes?"

 

 

  Printer out of ink again?

 

Try this: While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.

While doing this, draw a number "6" in the air with your right hand.

What direction is your foot going now?

 

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Wondering what all the fuss was about with childbirth and since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, so much so they were allowed home straight afterwards. When they got home, they found the postman collapsed on their porch.

 

Many now think it improper to spank children,
I have tried many other methods to control my kids when they have had one of "those moments."

 The method that I found to be most effective is to
just take the child for a car ride and little talk.


 They usually calm down and stop misbehaving
after our car ride together.

 I've included a photo below of one of my sessions
with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

 

 

Move your mouse over the image below to see

 

 

 

Two ladies were talking in heaven...
 Hi my name is Wanda.
Hi, I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
 I Froze to Death.
 How Horrible!
 It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the kitchen watching TV.
So, what happened?
 I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I  had  looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
 

 

Love & Marriage

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep.

Marriage is grand - and divorce is around 100 grand!

Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife you can be certain of two possible reasons -
either the car is new or the wife is.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one.
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

A man is incomplete until he is married - After that, he is finished.
 

 

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

 


 

Italian Confession.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied:
 "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''

 

  << Well I thought this was funny!

 

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, Pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
 The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
 "Doesn't matter," she said "Just get out."

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!  Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him.
"What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

Actual sign - posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:


1 BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8 DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES

WELL DONE - NOW FLUSH, GO OUTSIDE & TEE OFF
 

 

 

Signs of modern times

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You text your son's mobile to let him know it's time to eat, he emails you back from his bedroom.

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout cookies via her website.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbour yet this year.

6.  Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

7. You pull up outside your own driveway and use your mobile phone to get the family to shift their cars out of your way.

8. You buy a computer and 6-months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid for it.

9. Leaving the house without your mobile (which you didn't have the first 20-50 years of your life),
 is cause for panic & turning around to go & get it.

10. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

11. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

12. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

13. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.

14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile :-)
 

 

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's. 

They found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a psychological problem.

Some women reported that the mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands.

Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.

Various field tests have been carried out on the new design, here are some of the testimonials:
 
Julie from Crewe :
"It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be".
 
Susan from Leek added :
"I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle".
  
Hillary from Stafford :
"I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!!" 

 

 

 

Move your mouse over the image below to see

 

 

 

 

The ladies revenge

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

--------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the tea each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our tea.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my tea"

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the tea"

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"

---------------------------------------------------

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices, with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...

 

 

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the 
Table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"  
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?" 
 
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
But when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
red mark right on his nose!
 Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

 

 

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."

 

At a computer expo (COMDEX)
Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

 "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.

9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, you car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of RandMcNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off."


 

 

 
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
5. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
6. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
11. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
12. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
13. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
14. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.
15. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

 

 For reasons of 'Heath & Safety' His  I won't say who sent me this !!!

Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets
and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked
one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats
but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door
behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door
and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, the lawyers buy a single ticket for
the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a
ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one
perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three engineers cram into a
restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The
train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his
restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are
hiding. He knocks on the door and says,

"Ticket, please."

 

 

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse and about 50 feet behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. 
Behind him, a short distance back, there were about 200 men walking single file.

Unable to control his curiosity, he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
 
The man walking with the dog said, "My wife is in the first hearse."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

"Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law.  She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

 

 

 

 

 

 

A old lady loses her husband & visits the local paper to place an announcement
upon arrival she explains she hasn't much money & enquires what's the cheapest option
The receptionist explains that they start at £10 for 6 words
The old lady pulls out £10 & says just say 'Fred is dead'
But that's only 3 words says the receptionist, is there anything else you'd like to put in?
After a moments thought the old lady replies 'Honda for Sale!'

 

 

 

Q.    What were the only creatures not to go into the ark in pairs?


A.     Maggots: Because they went in apples!

 

Thanks to Chris for this one, I had to think about it - pears

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.

  My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa !!

 

A man staggers in to say he'd just been assaulted by a huge ant,
to which his his wife responds "Yes, I'd heard their was a nasty bug going around"

 

         <<<< Click on these eye tests & see how you do

 

Euro English - The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in-plan that would be known as 'Euro English'.

The first year will replace the soft 'c' ....... Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump for joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have less letters.

There will be growing publik enthuiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with the 'f''. This will make words like 'fotograf'' 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al, wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the language is disgraceful, and it should go away.

By the '4' year peopl wil be respectiv tosteps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with ' v ' .

During ze fifz year ze unessary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ze vil have a relisensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls nor difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

 

 

Following complaints about the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially during evening hours, Staffordshire County Council has established its first "Women only car park"

Even the car park attendants are female
so that a comfortable environment is created for patrons.

The car park has been fitted with a web cam for further security measures.

 

 

Move your mouse over the image below to view this webcam.

 

 

 

 

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